I Do Declare: It’s worth it to focus on the what, the when, and the why of choices

A few weeks ago, as I was thinking through some changes in my professional life, I said to a friend, “I wish I could clone myself or stretch time so I could do it all without having to choose.”

My friend replied, “Having choices is usually a good thing. Why does the actual choosing seem hard for you? You already know what you want, don’t you?”

My wise friend had just given me a challenge of pondering my decision-making skills. And ponder I did, all the way down a rabbit hole of thoughts and memories.

* * *

You can’t have it all.

I used to hear that especially whenever I got to the point of exhaustion. This was back in the day when my kids were small, when I was a full-time mom and had a full-time job and volunteered at school and taught Sunday School and offered help to family and friends whenever asked.

I was trying to be all things to all people while tackling a daily to-do list that ran several pages and was prioritized and color-coded. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times; it was the whirlwind of times.

I get exhausted just typing about it.

You can’t have it all.

This message came at me from all sides. Sometimes from my own mouth.

And the core of the message was this: Choose what you want. (The idea being that everything else gets moved to the wayside.)

After a while, I learned how to better manage my time, energy, momhood, volunteering – and I even got good at saying “no” (imagine that!).

The mantra became: Yes, you can have it all … just not all at the same time.

Which changed the core message to: Choose when to get what you want. (I decided it was a matter of prioritizing. Organizing that to-do list for maximum efficiency.)

Now that I’m older – and, let’s hope, wiser – I have a different focus. It’s as if in the past few years – okay, quite a few years – the need to have it all (or be all or do all) has given way to needing to know the reasons behind these choices.

Essentially, I transitioned from acquisition to assessment mode. Did I really want to have it all? I mean, seriously: If I got everything I wanted, where would I put it? And for what purpose? To what end?

These ponderings led me to: You don’t have time to do/be/have it all.

Whose core is: Choose something for why you want it. (It’s a simple flowchart: Does it have value? Yes: Do it. / No: Don’t.)

If time, energy, and resources are limited – and let’s be honest, they are; none of us is here on this planet forever – then determining the value of what we’re doing is even more critical.

* * *

No, I can’t have it all. Not even if I stretch out the acquiring of it all over a lifetime. And that’s fine. I don’t want it all. I just want what has meaning and value. I don’t want to waste time on things that have little or no significance. Of all the things that can be wasted, time is the one that cannot be replaced and is the most regretful when lost.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to come to these conclusions. But realizing how my misguided choices had undermined the achievement of my real / true / valuable goals was an eye-opener.

I climbed back up from the rabbit hole and called my friend.

“I thought about your question,” I said. “Yes, I do know what I want. I want to be a writer.”

She laughed. “You already are.”

I laughed too. “It was an easy choice.”